


AUTHOR'S EDITON. 




h DEVIL OF k i 

OK 

WMQ ^mm FQM TME 




a- 



PRIVATE PROMPT COPY. 



flS" Managers and actors are hereby warned against producing this play, 
or any imitation thereof, without permission of the author. 

J. O. KALER, 89 Court Street, Boston. 



i iEVIL m A I 

OR 

WM@ <^mim w&§t WMM &^ 



BY 

JAMES 0. KALER. 



Not exactly a corned}-, not exactly a farce, certainly not a 
drama ; but more of a regular mess ; which we 
can appreciate because some of our acquaint- 
ances have ''been there themselves." 



IN (3NE ACT. 

And that was enough, for it came near killing the actor, 
Mr. TIxMOthy Tisdale Grubb. 



^M^K 







Entered according- to the Act of Congress, March, 1878, by 

James O. Kaler, in the Ofl3.ce of the Librarian of 

Congress, at Washington. 






^ 






SYNOPSIS. 

The First of the Scrape. 

Mr. Grubb makes the fatal mistake of inviting a fair but 
frail yovmg lady to supper, and forgets to settle the bill. 
Mr. Grubb is found out by several eminently respectable 
people, who ouly happened into the Cremorne Gardens by 
the "merest accident." Mr. Grubb's domestic life is made 
decidedly warm for him, and Mrs. Grubb comes to the front 
in bold relief. 

The Scrape Complicated. 

Mr. Grubb's contidcutial clerk and spiritual adviser tries 
to mend matters, and mixes them up very decidedly. Love- 
making on the sly, and love-making in a private supper- 
room. Mrs. Grubb " has suspicions," and several members 
of the family think they have discovered a large sized rodent. 
Troubles come thick and fast upon the Grubb fiimily until 
The End of the Scrape. 

Mr. Grubb nearly dies ; Mr. Grubb's confidential clerk and 
spiritual adviser nearly hangs himself; Mrs. Grubb nearly 
elopes; Mrs. Grubb's sister nearly runs away with all that 
is left of poor Grubb, and the whole lamily are nearly de- 
moralized, when the Pet of the Cremorne "unravels the 
whole skein," and Mr. Grubb confesses that he was very 
nearh— but not quite— led astray. 




TMP96-0063 71 



TO 

ME. CHAELES L. DAVIS, 

Whose rendition of the part of T. T. Grubb is truly 
artistic, I respectfully dedicate this work. 

THE AUTHOB. 




THEATRE COMIQUE, PIWVIDENGE, E. I., March 4, 1878. 

Mk. Timothy Tisdale Gkubi}, a very respectable bank di- 
rector, Avho is almost persuaded to step aside from 
the strict paths of morality. . . Chas. L. Davis. 

Mr. Thomas Thott, coiitichMitial clerk and spiritual adviser 
to tiie aforesaid IVIr. (irul>b. . . . Frank Fraser. 

Mr. Henry Ma(;Arthur, a gentleman of no fortune; but 
great expectations, wiiosc peculiarity is a very jealous 
disposition 8. B. Watson. 

Mr. jAt'on ll(»iMii;s. a wortliy lawyer, whose female friend 
causes him ;i deal of trouble. . . . V. M. Basset. 

AiM>i,riu s Fiiz Willi A.^i. a sjiblc gentleman who acts in the 
cajjaciiy of waiter :il the ••( 'i-emoriie." Louis Long. 

Mrs. T. '1\ (iiii i;i;. a worlliy lady whose husl)and is just a 

tritle too old Ini' her yoiilliful nature 

. Miss Emma Vern. 

Miss Alk e I>ARLiN<;.a young lady wlio has been the victim 
of unjust sus|)i(ioiis. . . Miss (JoRV Bradford. 

Slsan .Johnson, the ohjecl ot Adolphus* ardent passion. 
Miss Lou Williams. 

Miss Maud, a young lady wiio, in her search for her uncle, 

involves Mr. (irubb in many difficulties 

Miss Susie Church. 



SCENE. 



Lawn. 



Window Door. Window 

with curtain. with curtain. 



Door. 



Table. 



Louuse. . 



Dooj. 



Door. 



Door. 



Pl^OPERTIES. 

Folded bill for llcnr} . 

Money — four liills and four silver pieces — for Grubb. 

Letter for Susan. 

Folded l)ill for Hodges. 

•• Adi)lj)hus. 

' Maud. 

V'alise for Ileiii-y. 
■• (Jrul.l). 
Salcliel {'or >lr^. (irul)l). 

•■ Alice. 
Old pants, sliirt. coals. &c., for (ivubb to throwfrom wing. 
Umbrella for (irubb. 
Sheet to be placed where Grubb can jind it. 




fe^t 



A DEVIL OF A SCRAPE. 



SCENE. — Interior backed by lawn. 
Mrs. Grubb discovered at table seiaimj ; Susan dusting furniture. 

Mks. Grubb. Aud so Susan you want to leave us. What is 
the cause of this sudden determination? 

Susan. 'Dolphus is mostlj' the cause. 

Mrs. G. What do you mean? 

Susan. Why you know 'Dolpluis, my 'Dolphus? 

Mrs. G. No I don't know your Adolphus. 

Susan. Well you ought to, for he just walks over the pile. 

Mrs G. Susan, I told you never to talk slang. 

Susan. Well, Missus, you see I can't help it when I'se speak- 
in' of my 'Dolphus. You see 'Dolphus and I'sc gwine to be 
married, an' we kinder thought as how as we'd tell you 'bout it, 
so you could kinder — kinder— do sumthin' for us in the house- 
keepin' line. 

Miis. G. Indeed ! We will see about that at some future time. 
But how is it, Susan, that you are engaged to be married? I 
had no idea that any one was even waiting upon you. Has he 
ever been here? 

Susan. No, ma'am, he's never come yet; but when I was in 
New York, with you, I met him. 

Mrs. G. And was that the first time you had ever seen him? 

Susan. Yes'm ; but you see we jest made the most of our 
time when we was together. We was at a ball given by the 
c )lore(l gentlemen, and I danced the first dance with him. 
Then he told me that he loved me. When he took me down to 
supper he asked me wovikl I marry him, and when he went 
hoa.e witli me, I told him yes. 



Mrs. G. (Lmighing.) A very leugthy courtship. 

Susan. Yes'm, you see I don't thiuk much of these very long 
ones, fur courtin's mighty onstirtiu, an' you never know what 
may happen. 

Mns. G. Well, Susan, I shall certainly be very much provoked 
if you should leave me without any notice. But if you will' 
wait a mouth, I will see that you have a good outfit. Wait a 
month, Susan. 

Susan. Perhaps I could stand it, but I'm sure "Dolphus- 
couldu t. You see it ain't alkrs that he can get away to tend 
to gettin' married. 

Mrs. G. What business is your intended engaged in? 

Susan. He is a waiter at the Cremorne, in New York. 

Mus. G. The Cremorne! Is'ut that a very bad place? I mean, 
don't bad people go there? 

Sus.vN. I tlou t know uulfia "bout dat; l)ut I kin t;dl you dat 
my "Dolphus don't lrou!)U' liisseli' 'l)out any ob Je white trasb 
what tloats round tlere. 

Mrs. G. That will do, Susan; you may go now. 

Exit Susan, r. 2 d. 
Enter GUUBB, C. I). 

Grubb. He's coming here again, Mrs. Grubb. and I want it 
•distinctly understood that I seriously object tolas attentions to- 
Alice. 

Mrs. G. Whom do you mean by " he," my dear? 

Grubb. Why tliis MacArthur, or MacWilliaxn, or whatever 
he calls himself. The puppy hasn't got a cent in the world, 
and he is trying to marrj' Alice in the hope of handling some of 
my money. But he never can ; that I'll tell him. 
Enter Alice, l. 2 r>. 

Alice. Who is it wlio is so rash as to try to marry me, Mr. 
Grubb? 

Grubb. That rascal of a Mac something or other. 

Alice. Do you mean Henry? 

Grubb. Yes, I mean Henry. And I'll pack him out of the 
house just about as soon as he gets here. 

Alice, Oh, is he coming here? How jolly that is ! 

Mrs. G. 1 am sure that he shall have a cordial welcome, at 
least. 

Grubb. And I'm sure that he shall not. Now make the most 

of it. 



Enter Henry, c. d. 
[Mrs. Ghubb aud Alice go to meet him. 

Henry. My clear little Alice, I have kept my promise, you 
see, and paid you a visit here in your own home. 

Grubb. Yes, antl now you may pack yourself right out of 
her own home. 

Henry. Why, Mr. Grubb. I am delighted to see you. Excuse 
me for not greeting you before. 

Grubb. You have greeted me plenty soon enough, Mr. Mac- 
Nally. 

Hknry. MacArthur, sir. 

Grubb. I don t care about your Macs. I shall call you what- 
ever I chose, sir — vvhatex er 1 chose. 

Alice. {Aside to Hcnrij.) Don't i)ay any attention to what he 
says, Henry dear. 

Henry. He'll be pleasant enough in a monieut. You aud 
your sister leave us alone for a few moments. 

Alice. And you wont get angry with him? 

Henry. Quite the contrary. We shall be very good friends. 
Exit. Mrs. Grubb and Alice l. 2 r>- 

Gri'bb. Now, sir, tell me wliat you mean b.v coming here? If 
you expect to nv.irry my wife's sister, you are very much mis- 
taken. 

Henry. Before we speak of that, Mr. Grubb. let me ask how 
you enjoyed your last visit to the Creraorne. 

Grubb. (Confused.) My visit to the Cremorne? 

Henry. Yes; I saw you go into the private room, and I 
followed you shortly after; but I found that you had gone. 

Grubb. {Asidr.) Oh, the devil! Now Fm in a pretty mess. 
He'll be sure to tell Alice; shell tell ray wife, aud won't it be 
hot for me. (To Henry.) My dear fellow, that was all a dread- 
ful mistake; sometime I'll explain it all to you. 

Henry. (LaiKjhing.) I don't doubt it. Of course it was a 
mistake. But, by the way, Mr. Grubb, you forgot to settle 
your Inll there. I found the waiter calling you all sorts of 
names ; among the most prominent of which was a gray-headed 
old beat 

Grubb. Did that black 1 mean did the waiter dare to call 

me a gray-headed beat? 

Henry. He did, and knowing how soon I was to be related 
to you by marriage, I settled the bill. Here it is. (Takes out 



8 

bill.) Quail on toast, brandy and champagne : ten dollars and 
twenty-tive cents. 

Gkubb. Let me pay you. \_Takes money from pocket. 

Hexry. Oh, don't trouble yourself about such a trifle. 

Grubb. But I prefer to settle it. {Hands money and takes 
bill which he puts in troiosers pocket.) {Aside.) Now that evi- 
dence against me is out of my way. 

Henry. I hope you had a pleasant evening. 

Grubb. {Groaniuf/.) A pleasant evening ! Good Lord ! See 
here Mr. MacArthur, I know that Alice is dying to see you, so 
suppose you run and see her for awhile. 

Henry. Then you have no olijections to our marriage now? 

Grubb. Of course not, of course not! That was only my 
fun. {Aside.) Damn you ! I can't help myself. 

Henry. Adieu, my dear brother-in-law. 

[frrubb makes face aside. 
Enter Mrs. Grubb and Aijce, l. 2 d. 

Henry. Ah ! I was just coming to meet you. 
Enter Susan, r 2 d. 

Susan. Yere's a letter for yer, Mr. Grubb, 

[Hands letter to (iriibb. 
Exit Susan, r. 2 d. 

\_Grubb reads letter. 

Alice. Has Mr. Grubl) consented to your remaining here? 

Henry. Not only consented to my remaining here; but also 
consented to our marriage. 

Mrs. Grubb. How did you work such a miracle as that? 

Henry. That I will tell you at some other time ; now we 
must only talk about 

Grubb. {/Starting forward.) Oh Lord ! Oh Lord ! He's coming 
here ! 

Mrs. Grubb. {In alarm.) Why what is the matter with you, 
Timothy? 

Grubb. {"frying to appear composed.) Nothing, my dear, 
nothing. I was thinking of something else. (Aside.) What a 
devil of a scrape I am in now, and the worst of it is, that I 
can't see any way out of it. 

Mrs. Grubb. Are you sure there is nothing the matter with 
you, my dear? 

Grubb. Oh, don' t bother me ! 1 mean I am very sure. Now 

you and the two spoons, go out in the garden for a walk. 



Alick. Oh, yes, Henry, I want to show you my darling little 
Spitz dog which aunt gave me. 

Exit Mrs. Gruub, Alick a)id Hp:ni!Y, c. d. 

Grubb. (Eeading Jctter.) " I shall be in your city almost as soon 
as you receive this letter, and will then tall^ about the proposed 
investment. I nmst, however, be assured that your bank is 
managed by strictly moral men, and, so far, I have heard a very 
favorable report of you. If you can explain your presence at 
the Cremorne the otlier evening, I can safely say that I will 
join yoa in the business, as you wish." Yes, that's it. How 
can I explain? He'd never believe me ! There is no fool like an 
old fool, and I believe I'm the worst that ever was. 

Entor TnoTT, c. d. 
Oh, 'I'rottl my dear Trott! you liave come just at the time when 
you were most needed. 

Trott. Indeed, I'm gl.ul to Jiear tliut. What has occurred 
that old Trott is wanted':' 

GiiiHB. Sit down tliere Trott, I want to make a confession to 
you. 

[The tiro sent themselves c. 

Trott. Oh Lord ! you ain't been spending the bank's money, 
have you? 

Grithb. It's wors(! than that, Trott. 

Trott. Worse than that ! Wliat can it be? 

Grubb. Now listen patiently, and I will tell you. You know 
that I went to New York, last week, on l)usiuess? 

Trott. Yes. 

Grubb. And that I went alone, although my wife was very 
anxious to go with me? 

Trott. Yes, and I tlionght you ought to have taken her. 

Grubb. I wish to the Lord I had, and then the honest name 
of Timothy Tisdale Grubb would never have been trailed in the 
dust, as it probal)ly will i)e. 

Trott. (Aside.) Good Lord, he's been watering the gas stock! 

Grubb. ' Now, Trott, I am going to tell you what will seem 
like an awful yarn ; but you must believe me. 

Trott. Oh, I'll believe everything you say. 

Grubb, Well, I went to New York. The first night I was 
there I strolled up Sixth Avenue, and at the corner of Twenty- 
sixth Street, I met a young woman, a most beautiful young 
woman 



10 

Trott. a most beautiful womau. Well? Well? 

GuuBB. Who was crying bitterly. She accosted rae as her 
uucle, and when I told her of her mistake, she told me that she 
was dying of hunger 

TuoTT. Dying of hunger. Well? Well? 

Gkuhb. The tears flowed down her beautiful but pallid 
cheeks, and I pitied her, Trott, I pittled her. My very soul 
yearned toward her, and I felt tliat I could clasp her to my 
breast, and feed her 1 mean, and comfort her. 

TuoTT Well, well, did you? Did you? 

Grubb. No, Trott, I am almost sorry to say that I did not. 
I looked around for a restaurant, but could see none. I asked 
her if she knew of one, and she led me to a place which I have 
since learned was the Creniornc I saw that there was painted 
women there ; that there was dancing, and such other works of 
the devil. I would have turned back, Trott, but that I was on 
a mission of cliarity, and — and — and 

Trott. And what? Go on, go on ! 

Grubb. Aiid I let her leatl on. We entered a private room. 
The table was laid for two. I called a waiter, that he might 
wait on the poor, famished creature, and she ordered 

Trott. Well, what did she order? Go on, go on ! 

Grubb. She ordered quail on toast, a 1ai-ge bottle of cham- 
pagne, and two glasses of brandy ! After she had drank one 
glass of brandy, and h ilf the bottle of champagne, she leaned 
her beautiful, tear-stained face in her hands, and looking up at 
me, with one of the sweetest smiles upon her face that I ever 
saw, she said 

Trott. What did she say? Go on, go on! 

Grubb. She said : " Old man, how much are you good for?" 
I didn't quite understand what she meant, and was about to ask 
her to explain, when a crowd of fellows burst into the room. 
Like a startled deer, my young, beautiful, famished friend 
darted into an adjoining room, and I 

Trott. And you. Well? Well? 

Grubb. 1 got into the street as soon as I could. I don't re- 
member having taken my pocket-book out while I 'Aas in the 
room ; but I must have done so, for when I got out doors it was 
gone. Now, Trott, through having tried to rescue a beautiful 
woman from starvation, I have ruined my reputation. 

Trott. I can't see, my dear Mr. Grubb, that you went quite 



11 

so far as that. It dou't strike me that you had time. 

(tkubb. You don't understand mo. The worst is yet to come. 

TnoTT. Oh ! You saw her a,a:aiu, did you? 

GuuBB. No, Trott; but I was seen. Mr. llodges saw me 
there, and when he asked me al)out it the next day, I told him 
It was my wife. I haA'e just received a letter from him, and he 
is comiui^ down here, immediately — he may be here now — this 
very moment — to see about that investment we spoke of. Un- 
less my moral character is jjfood, lie refuses to have anythinuf to 
do with it. He will see my wife; will speak to my wife about 
her visit to New York, and then don't you see what a devil of a 
scrape I shall be in? 

TiiOTT. Whew ! ! ! 

Gkubb. Now, Trott. ni.v dear Trott. I depend on you to help 
me out of this. You must be my saviour. 

TiioTT. {(ioiug toicard door.) I think I had better go to the 
bank. I am sure I cau't help you, and it will be much safer for 
ine to jro. 

Gkubb. {Cutching Trott In/ tlif coat tnils.) You shan't go. I 
can't meet this man alone. Besides, how shall I arrange about 
my wife? 

Trott. You must keep her out of the waj'. 

Grubb. But how can I? 

Trott. Lock her up. 

Gkubb. Lock her up? You don't know her, Trott, or you'd 
never advise such a plan as that. 8he must be kept out of the 
way, and she mustn't know that we aj'e trying to do anything 
of the kind. 

Tkott. Don't you think you could manage it alone, Mr. 
Grubb? 

Gkubb. I know very well I couldn't. Now, in the first place, 

we'll see 

Enter Susan, c. n. 

SusAX. Mr. Hodges — he says his name is — is purraralndatiu 
up de garden. 

Exit Susan, c. d. 

Grubb. Oh, Lord ! 

Trott. Oh, Lord ! 

[^Ciruhb and Trott fall into each other'' s arms. Mr. 
Hodyes comes down stage till he stands in front of 
them. 



12 

Grubb. (Whirling Tuott around.) Mr. Trott, Mr. Hodges. 
Trott. {Whirling Grubb around.) Mr. Grubb, Mr. Hodges. 
[Grubb and Trott keep lohirling each other around 
and introducing each other to Hodges for severat 
times. At last Trott manages to hold Grubb up 
directly in front of Hodges, v-hen 
Enter Mrs. Grubb, r 2 d. 
Enter AijcK, l. 2 d. 
[GuuBB starts for Mrs. Grubb and pushes her back 
through r. 1 D., and stands witJi his Ixicl: against it, 
while Mrs. Grubb tries to open it. 
Trott does the same business v:ith Alice at L. 1 D. 
Hodges hiuks on in. amazement. 

Enti^r Henry, c. d. 
[Grubb heckans to him ; v:hispers in his ear. 

Exit Henry r. 1 d. 
Grubb. {Coming forvard ii; Hodges. J I ain delighted to see 
you, my dear Mr. Hodges. Let me take youi- coat aud hat. 
\_Takes coat and hat. 

Enter Henry, r. 1 d. 
[Henry u-jtispers ti> Gkubb, then 

Exit Henry l. 1 d. 
Trott. {Going to Hodges.) Delighted to see yon, ray dear 
Mr. Podges. Please sit down. 

\_Pnshes chair forward. 
Grubb. Oh, excuse me Mr. Hodges, I beg your pardon. I 
should have introduced my coufidential clerk and spiritual ad- 
viser. Mr. Trott, Mr. Hodges. 

Hodges. My dear sir, you have introduced me to Mr. Trott at 
least a dozen times. Now there is another member of your 
fiimily whom I would be pleased to see, and that is Mrs. Grubb. 
I want to apologise to her for having so rudely entered the room 
at the Cremorne, when you and she were dining there. 

Grubb. (/n ftiann.) Hush! {Looks around.) My wife is sick, 

just now. She's got the — the— the 

Trott. Yes, sir, she's sick; she's got the measles. 
Hodges. The measles? 

Grubb. Well, not exactly — that is— she is just getting over 
them. 

Hodges. Is she able to be out of bed? 

Grubb. {Aside. ) I wish to the Lord she wasn't, just for the 



next fow hours; l)ut I have an idea that before this is over, I 
.shall have painful proof that she is out of bed. {To Hndges.) 
Yes, sir. siic is about tlie house; i)Ut just noAV she is preparing 
dinner. AVhen slie heard that yon were coniin,i>:, she insisted ou 
prepariui; tlie dinner herself, altliouiih I urijed her to stay and 
meet yon. 

HoixiKs. Oh, well, as lonj*' as I shall see her before I go, I 
ought to be satisfied. But I shall never be satisfied. Mr. Grubb, 
till she has assured nn- tliat I am foi-yiven for my intrusion ou 
that evening. 

GiiuBis. {FnlliiKj into TmfCs anas.) Oh, Lord, Trott he's 
going to stay till he sees my wife, and then won't she see me, 
lively? 

TnoTT. (Aside to Grubb.) Braee up, my dear Mr. Grubb, I'll 
run around the back way, and try to keep her occu])ied. I'll 
get her out of the house if I ean, and yon can tell him that she's 
gone to see her grandmother. 

Grubb. (Aside to Tkott.) Go. go, Trott, and take her out of 
the house if yuu liave to take her out on your l)ack. 
Exit Titorr, c. i>. 

IIoDGKS. Now, Mr. Grubb. we will transact our little busi- 
ness at onee. You want me to invest fifty thousand dollars. I 
have got thiit amount in cash, and all I want is to be assured of 
your moral eliaraeter. Now I have made the most minute in- 
quiries, and every one I have spoken with concurs in pronoun- 
cing your morals to be irreproachable. 

Grubb. (Pomjyinslij.) Well, ahem — well, I flatter myself that 
I have done nothing to ])ring reproach upon the fair name of 
Timothy Tisilale Grubb. 

HodCtKS. I don't doubt it. sir. The only thing is that little 
affair at the Cremorne. 

Grubb. [Fi/Hs into rhair.'] (Aside.) Damn Cremorne, and 
'that girl who w;is looking for her uucle ! 

HoocRs. By the way. Mr. Grubb, when you left the room so 
'unceremoniously, I entered it, and found the waiter in a perfect 
rage, lie was swearing, and saying all manner of unkind 
things about you. l^ecanse j'^ou had not paid your bill, so I paid 
it for you. Here it is. \^Tal-f's hill out of pockot.~\ Ten dollars 
and twenty-five cents. 

[Grubb Icol's at him in nstonishmcnt for a moment, 
and th^-n very slovly takes money out of ])ocket, and 



14 

payii the bill. Then takes bill and puts it in pocket, 
looking at Hodges all the time. 

Grubb. (Spitefully.) Thank you. 

Hodges. You are quite welcome, my dear sir. If you will- 
excuse me, I would like to go to my room for a few moments. 
We can talk business after we have seen the ladies. 

Grubb. (Aside.) Thank heaven ! Here is a chance to get rid 
of him for a little while. (To Hodges.) Certainly, my dear 
sir, come this way. 

\_Leads thf viay to R. 1 D. Opinis the door. 

Hodges. Thank you, sir. Now kindly tell Mrs. Grubb, not 
to inconvenience herself on my account. 

Exit Hodges, r. 1 d. 

Grubb. I dont think she will be as much inconvenienced on 
your account as I shall. Now I can breathe freely for a mo- 
ment. But if I leave this door he will come out when I ain't 
expecting him. I'll lock the door. [Lo<-ks the door.'\ Now, Mr. 
Hodges, I've got you safe for awhile, and I wish I could say the 
same for niy wife. 

Enter Trott, c. d. 

Trott. \_Sinkin(j into ehair.'\ I give it up. 

Grubb. Give what up? 

Trott. Trying to get the best of a woman when she don't 
want you to. 

Grubb. Then you didn't get her t)ut of the house? 

Trott. No, I had to get out of the house myself. 

Grubb. Oh, Lord, Trott, shall we ever get out of this scrape? 
I've fixed the lawyer for awhile, at least, and you watch him 
while I go and tackle my wife. 

Trott. Where is he? 

Grubb. In that room. I've locked the door, and I wouldn't 
let him out unless he makes an awful racket. 

Exit Grubb, c. d. 

Trott. Now I've got to watch the lawyer. Well, I'd rather 
do this than try to get Mrs. Grubl) out for a walk. She 
wouldn't move a peg, spite of everything I could do. 

\_Knocki7ig from r. 1 d. 
Hello ! he's at it. 

Hodges. (From outside.) Let me out, I say. Who, the devil, 
has locked this door? 

Trott. Keep it up. I can stand it, if you can. 



15 

Hodges. {From outside. Still knocking.) Let me out ! Let 
oie out! I won't stand such nonsense as this. Let me out! 

Trott. I am afraid I shall have to let him out, or else he'll 
cai-^o the whole house. 

Hodges. {From outside. Still knocking.) Hello I Let me 
out ! Let me out, I say, or I'll break the door down I [7u^oc^•s: 
furiously.'] 

Trott. I've got to do it. I wish Grubb would come back- 
[GV«'* to u. 1 D.] Did jM)u call, sir? 

Hodges. {From outside.) Call? 1 should think I did. 

TnoTT. Oh ! I thought you were only trying to raise me. 

Hodges. I'll go you one blind, if you don't open this door. 

■J'kott, {Opening door.) Then that lets me out of the game. 
Enter Hodges, u. 1 d. 

Hodges. Who locked that door? 

Tuott. It must have been Susan, sir; she's always doing 
such things. She's the greatest girl for locking doors I ever 
knew. 

Hodges. Where is Mr. Grubb? 

TnoTT. He's trying to fix Mrs. Grubb. 

Hodges. Trying to fix Mrs. Grubb? 

Tr:OTT. I mean, he's gone out to help her. She's feeling 
quite ill again, sir. 

Hodges. I'm sorry to hear that. By the way, Mr. Trott, one 
erf your daughters lives in New York, does she not? 

Trott. Yes, sir, my Hannah lives there. 

Hodges. Is she employed there? 

Trott. Yes, sir, she works in a millinery store, and she 
make-, a power of money. 

Hodges. Ah! how old is she? 

Trott. Twenty-one last September. 

Hodges. Pretty? 

Trott. Look at me ; she is very mucli my style. 

Hodges. {Laughing.) She must be good-looking. 
Enter Mrs. Grubb and Alice, r. 2 d. 
[Hodges hows. Ladies how. Trott vei-y much 
confused. 

Hodges. One of these must be Mrs. Grubb. Will you intro- 
doce me, Mr. Trott? 

Trott. Certainly, sir, certainly. {Points to Alice.) Mrs. 
Grubb, Mr. Hodges. {Points to Mrs. Grubb.) Miss Darling, 



16 

Mr. Hodges. 

[ The tiDo ladies look in amazement. Hodges bovis, 

Hodges. (7>) Alice.) I am very much pleased to see you» 
looking so well, Mrs. Grubb, I feared, from what your husband* 
said, that I should see almost an invalid. How long have you> 
been married, Mrs. Grubb. 

Alice. Married ! 

Trott. Incoming up behind, and aside to Alice.] You are Mrs. 
Grubb, Grubb's life depends on it. 

Alice. {Confused.) Oh, yes, I have been married. How long 
is it, Laura, since you and Timothy were — I mean, how long 
have I been married? 

Mrs. Gruub. You? 

Trott. [Coming up behind, and aside to Mrs. Grltbb.] YoU' 
are your sister. Your husband's life depends upon it. 

Mrs. G. Oh, yes, I have — I mean you have been married two 
years. 

Hodges. (To Alice.) I hope you enjoyed your trip to New 
York, last week, Mrs. Grubb. 

Alice. My trip to New York ? 

Hodges. Yes, when I was so rude, you know? 
Enter Grubb, c. d. 
[Grltbb staggers bark as he sees Hodges with the 
ladies. 

Grfbb. (Aside.) It's got to come now. I wish I could pray. 
Now I lay me down to sleep— Oh, hang it ! there won't be much 
chance of my laying myself down to sleep by Mrs. Grubb's side, 
for some time to come, at any rate. 

Hodges. Ah, here you are, Mr. Grubb. I was just about tell- 
ing your wife (Pointing to Alice.) how much better she was 
looking than I expected to see. 

Grubb. [Looking Jirst at Alice and then at Mrs. Grubb.] My 
wife? 

Trott. [Coming up behind Guvbb, and aside.^ Hush! A little 
plan of my own. Your wife ain't your wife, but your sister, 
and your sister ain't your sister, but your wife. 

Grubb. Eh? 

Trott. I changed 'em round. Happy thought ! 

Grubb. Oh ! I see. But I came to say, Mr. Hodges, that a. 
gentleman has just been here to see you. Said he would meet, 
on the next Boston train. 



17' 

Hodges. Bless my soul, it's Thompson, and I forgot all about 
it. I shall have to leave you now, and I can't even stop to par- 
take of the dinner this good lady {bowing to Alick.) has been 
preparing. 

Trott. Yes, yes, that's right; you've got no time to lose. 
[Brings Hod«ks' coat and puts it on him roughly. 

Gkubb. You will liardl}' have time to catch the train. 

[Briyigs Hodgks' hat and mashes it down over his eyes. 
[Tkott and Gkuub take Hodgks by each arm, and 
walk him out ; he trying all the time to speak to the 
ladies. 

Exit Grubb, Hodgks and Trott, c. d. 

Mrs. Grubb. Well, I should like to know the meaning of this ! 

Am<;k. And I shall demand an explanation. 

Mrs. G. What can it mean? 

AiJCK. I don't like this being passed off for a married woman. 
[Grubb enters at c. D. dancing with joy. Suddenly he, 
ratches sight of the ladies, and sinks into chair. 

Mrs. G. ((roiiig up to him, and jnilling him around to her by 
the coat collar.) Now, Mr. Grubb, I want to know the meaning 
of all this? 

Alick. {Catching Gkcbb Jnj the collar, and ])uUing him around 
to her.) And I want to know wliat I have done that I should be 
passed oil" as a wife of yours? 

Mrs. G. {Pulling Grubb toward her.) Don't dare to equivo- 
cate; but tell the truth. 

Alice. {Pulling him.) Yes, tell the truth. 

Mrs. G. {Pulling him.) Answer me this in«tant. 

Alice. {Pulling him,.) Don't dare to hesitate, sir. 

Gri'bb. Well, as soon as you get through yanking a man 
around, perhaps there will be enough left of him to satisfy you 
both. [liises ; the two ladies around him. Down stage. ^ You 
sec, it was Trott. He introduced you, Laura, as Alice, because 
if j'ou had not been Laura, and had been Alice, it would have 
been perfectly proper to have introduced you as Alice, and he 
introduced Alice as you, because she was not you, but Alice, 
and if she had been you, and not Alice, he would have been per- 
fectly justified in doing exactly as he did. Now that that is ex- 
plained, satisfactorily, let me tell you how nicely we got rid of 
Hodges. 

Mrs. G. But all this is not explained satisfactorily. You will 



18 

liave to give a more plau.sible excuse than that before I shall be- 
lieve you. 

"Alice. Yes, sir, we demaud a more resouable explanation. 

[Enter Tuott, c. d., dancing fo7- joij. He sees ladies 
and stops suddenly. 

Grubb. (Going up to Tuott.) Trott, he's gone? 

Tkott. Yes, he's gone. 

[Trott and Grubb clasp each other round the waist y 
(Old dance around the room. 

Mrs. G. Mr. Grubl)! Mr. Grnbh! have j'ou suddenly taken 
leave of your senses? 

Alice. We insist on knowing the reason of your singular be- 
havior. 

Grubb. Oh, the introductions, do you mean? 

Mrs. G. Yes, sir. 

Grubb. Tliat was one of Trott's idiotic ideas ; he always 
does something as foolish as that. 

Trott. Now he's going back on me ! 

Alice. Mr. Trott tell iis, this instant, why you did such a 
thing as that? 

Trott. {Aside.) I can't for the life of me see now why I did 
it. {To the ladies.) You see, ladies, when you came in I was 
confused, and I pointed out the wrong ones while T was intro- 
ducing you. Mr. Hodges is a very eccentric man, and it is very 
necessary that he should invest his money in this speculation of 
Mr. Grubb's. I knew if I shew him his mistake, he would get 
confused; that wonld make him angry, and the result would be 
that he would leave here, and take his money with liim. 

Grubb. Yes, that was the idea, my dear, the very idea, The 
deception only lasted for a few moments, and could have done 
no harm. 

Mrs. G. No, it has done no harm; but if Mr. Hodges should 
come here again, it would be very awkward. Mr. Trott is very 
careless. 

Grubb. Indeed you are Trott, very careless. There can be 
no excuse for you. 

Alice. No excuse at all, Mr. Trott, you might have caused us 
very serious trouble. 

Mrs. G. {To Alice.) Well, it can't be helped now, my dear, 
so let us go find Henry, and play that game of croquet he was 
so anxious for. 



1& 

[Exit Alick ccnd Mks. Grubb, c. d. 
Gkubb. {iShaking Trott's hand.) Trott. old boy we are saved, 
aud without the loss of a drop of blood. 

Tkott. {Pioualy.) Heaven l)e praised ! Don't 3'ou think I had 
better go down to the bank, and see how matters stand there? 
Giu'BB. Yes, yes, do so. I vvili wait here for you. 

Exit TUOTT, c. D. 
[GuUBB throirx himtt'lf into rJi'dr. 
GiUBB. Well, I flatter myself that that \v;is pretty neatly 
don?. It was a narrow eseapc, hut it i- all over now, and 
Hodges nearly to Boston by this tinii. 

Enter StrsAX and ADOLPiirs. <.•. i>.. lumd in hand. 
SusAX. Come along, Dolly dear, u>''li speak wid niassa now, 
an' hab dat ober. 

[Susan and Adolphus stmid hi-forf (Jijubb, v:ho does 
not notice them. Ai>()i.pni's .ttart-s vith .surprise as lie 
sr/-s Gbt'bb, and th<n looks at him I'drnesthj. 
Adoli'IU's. {To Susan.) When was de gemman in New York 
las', honey? 

SurvVN. Las' week. 

Adolpiius. I kuowed it ! I knowed it ! 

StTSAN. If yon please, massa Grubb, wc-'s come to you fur tei' 
tell you we'se gwine ter be married, an' we v/ants ter know ef 
you kin do anyt'ing fur de bride, Jest to start de t'ing, so*s 
Dolly «nd I'll get along kinder easy like afterwards. 

Grubb. Go away, don't bother me: Avhat the devil do you 
suppose I care about vonr being married? 
Adolpiius. I say, massa, when I waited on you at de Cre- 

morne, las' week 

Grubb. IJumpine/ up, catching Adolphus hy the hand, and 
leading him aside.^ Hush ! for heaven's sake don't speak so loud. 
You want to marry Susan. Take her anytime, and I'll set you 
up housekeeping. 

AnoLPHUS. But when I waited 

Grubb. Hold j^our tongue! Take Susan, and get off as soon 
as possible. 

Adolpiius. Dat's all right ; l)ut dere was a little bill you for- 
got to pay, an' I had to fix it myself. Here she is. [Takes paper 
out of pocket.'] Ten dollars aud twenty-five cents, sah. 

[Grubb looks at him in s^irprise, and then slowly takes 
money ovt of his pocket, and pays the bill, then takes 



20 

bill and puts it in pocket. 

Grubb. {Aside.) That's three times I've paid the confounded 
thing; but it must be settled by this time. 

Adolphus. Then you'll gib us de furniture, sah? 

Susan. Au' a piauna? 

Adolphus. An' some ob dese new kiue ob crockery vases? 

Susan. An' a sewin' machine? 

Gkubb. {Starting toward l. 2d.) I'll give you any blessed 
thing you wan't, if you will only hold your tongue, and get out 
of this house. 

Exit Grubb, l. 2 d., hurriedly. 

Adolphus. Well, Susan, when Adolphus FitzWilliam takes 
hoi' ob a delicate matter, like dat, yer see he does de ting up in 
style. 

Susan. 'Deed yon does 'Dolphus, an' I'se proud ob you. 

Exit Susan and Adolphus, c. d. 
Enter Mrs. Grubb and Alice, r. 1 d. 

Mrs. Gkubis. I can't help feeling annoyed at the deception 
which tliat foolish Mr. Trott so unnecessarily practised upon 
Mr. Hodges. 

Alice. Luckily it only lasted a ffew moments, or I know I 
.should have laughed in his face. 

Enter Hodges, c. d. 

Hodges. Good afternoon, again, ladies. [ The ladies turn 
around in surprise.~\ I had the slight misfortune of losing the 
train, which gave me the great fortune of seeing you again. 
{Aside.) By Jove! that Miss Darling is my style of a woman, 
and before I leave here I mean to give her a chance to marry 
me. 

Mrs, Grubb. We can but be pleased at seeing you again, Mr. 
Hodges. 

Hodges. {Aside.) She's a regular stunner. (To Mrs. Grubb.) 
Thank you Miss Darling. {Turning toward Alice.), I am sure 
Mrs. Grubb will give me as cordial a welcome. 

Alice. Mrs. Grubb? Oh, yes, certainly, we are very much 
pleased at seeing you. 

Mrs. G. {Starting tovmrd l. 2d.) Allow me to give some or- 
ders for your dinner. 

Alice. {ComicaUy stojyping her.) I beg your pardon, Alice; 
but, as the lady of the house, that is my duty. 

Exit Alice, l. 2d., laughing. 



__{ 



21 

[Mks. Guubb c(>Hf)(!<('d. 

Hodges. Miss DarliHg, I hope yoii will excuse my bluntness ; 
but I am au old man, ami as such, shouhl be excused for doing 
things in a different manner from a younger man. I Inive seen 
you but once, [^Tahci her hand; she tries to draw nvmy.] and 
during that brief time I have h^arned to love you 

Mks. G. No, no, you do not mean it ; there is some dreadful 
mistake. 

HouGKS. No mistake at all, Miss Darling — may I call you 
Alice Darling? I cunie down here for the sole purpose of find- 
ing out whether it was his wife whom Mr. Grublt had with him 
in New York, and now that I have seen tlie lady, and know 
that it was really she 

Mks. G. What do you mean, sir? Do you mean to tell nie 
that my husband was— I inean that Mr. Gruhb was in New 
York with his wife, and that you recognise the lady who just 
left the room as the one he was with? 

HoDGKS. Certainly. 

Mrs. G. (Aside.) Great Heavens, can it be possible that Alice 
went to New York with Timothy. I remember now that she 
said she was going to aunt's the very day Timothy left for New 
York, and she returned about the same time he did. She said 
aunt gave her the Spitz dog she brought home with her. Oh, 
I will uot stand this ! I will let them know that I am aware of 
their guilty secret, and she shall leave this house to-day. 

Exit Mrs. Grubr, r 2 b., quickly. 

Hodges. Well, I declare ! The people in this house act very 
much as if they had all become suddenlj' insane. 
Enter Alice, l. 2 d. 

Alice. Is my sister here? 

Hodges. She just went out for a moment, and will return 
shortly. Now that I have the opportunity, Mrs. Grubb, I want 
to apologise for my rudeness when I saw you in New York with 
your liusband. 

Alice. I in New York? 

Hodges, Certainly ; last week. 

Alice. I have not been in New York this year. 

Hodges. (Aside.) Then Grubb has been lying to me, and it 
is as I expected. (Jo Alice.) Are you sure you did not go to 
New York last week? 

Alice. Quite positive. 



22 

Hodges. I made a mistake theu. But I wish now to speak 
witli you of your sister Alice. Is she engaged? 

Alice. My sister Alice? — ^Oli, yes! No, she is not engaged, 
that — that — I l^now of. 

Hodges. She is a charming girl, and if you would only inter- 
cede for me, I think 

Alice. Oh, Mr. Hodges, please let us change the subject of 
couversation. 

Hodges. (Cnldhj.) Certainly, if you wish it. May I ask how 
many children j'^oii have been blessed with? 

Alice. Sir! 

Hodges. How many children you have had? 

Alice. Sir, you are — I mean, I have had none. But please 
let us change the conversation, Mr. Hodges. 

Hodges. {CuJdJy.) Cei'tainly. May I ask you how you en- 
joy the married life? 

Alice. I? — But please let us change the conversation, Mr. 
Hodges. 

Hodges. {Aside.) What, the devil, is the matter? 
Enter Henry, c. d. 

Hexuy. Where is Mrs. Grubb? 

Hodges. (Painting to Alice.) Why here is Mrs. Grubb. 

[Alice goes up to Henry, a7id steps on his toe. Henry 
looks Jirst at Alice, and then at Hodges. 

Henry. Who did you say was Mrs. Grubb? 

Hodges. Why, this lady. 

[Alice steps on Henry's foot again. 

Alice. Yes, I am Mrs. Grubb. Did you wish to see me, or 
my sister Alice? She is in the garden, somewhere, I believe. 

Hodges. If you will excuse me, Mrs. Grubb, I will go to my 
room for a few moments. 

Exit Hodges, r. 1 d. 

Henry. Now, what, the devil, is the meaning of this? 

Alice. You might have understood from ray stepping on your 
toe, with all my might, that I am Mrs. Grubb, while Mr. Hodges 
is here. And now, sir, if you will excuse me, I will attend to 
my household duties. 

Exit Alice r. 2 d., making mock covrtsey. 

Henry. I might have understood, might I? Well, I'll be 
blest if I understand any part of it now ! 
Etiter Trott, c. d. 



i 



23 

TuoTT. Oh, Mr. MacArtlmr, I have beou looking for yon. 
Won't you joiu us in a game of croquet? 

Hknry. No, I won't join you in a game of croquet. I believe 
you are at the bottom of this nl}^stery, and I want you to tell 
me why Alice Darling — my affianced wife — is to be called Mrs. 
Grubb while Hodges is here? 

TnoTT. Oh, yes, I can do tliat ensily riiougii. You see, wheu 
Mr. Grubb was in New York, he was ;'.t the — you mustn't tell 
this to anyone else — Creuiorne, with a lady. He told Mr. Hodges 
it was his wife, and Mr. Hodges recognixs Miss Darling as the 
lady; consequently, to keep everything (|uiet, she must be called 
his wife. 

Hknky. My God! My Alice in New York for a week with 
Grul)b; sud siie said that slie was at lier aunt's, and that her 
aunt gave her a Spitz dog. l>ul, you villain, you shan't tell me 
such a story with impunity. 

[Hexky mtchcH TuoTT hij the throat; rhokps, shnki's 
him, awl then thron-s him ant of c. i).. calliiirf him vil- 
lain, liar, all th> tiinf. Dnrimj' this Trott ralla out 
murder ! 

Hknky. {Farimi the ataye.) And my .Mice, whom I thought so 
pure, has been in New York, for a week, as Grubb's w'ife. Oh, 
is seems inc"edil)le! 

Enter Gki'hb, c. d., t;miliny. 

Gurnn. Ah, Henry, you should have joined our game of cro- 
quet. We've been having such a peaceful time. 

H RXUY . I nd eed ? 

Gumm. Yes, I was sorry not to have had you on my side. 

Hkxuy. (Fiercely.) You were, were you? Well it ain't the 
only thing you'll be sorry for, you hoary-headed old villain. I'll 
tear the false heart out of you ! 

GuuBB. {Falls into a rhair.) Why what is the matter with 
you? Are you mad? 

Henuy. I am mad. That you, who profess to be so good, so 
noble, so pure, should go to New York, and live for a week with 
your wife's sister, seems almost too base. But nothing is too 
bad for you. What any woman could see in you, I can't im- 
agine. You can't amount to anything. I'll kill you, you de- 
baucher of innocent females ! 

Exit Henry, c. d., tdldly. 

Gruub. {In surprise.) I a debaucher of innocent females? 



24 

Well I look as if I could do a great deal of that sort of thing, 
don't I? Oh, he's mad, he's mad! There's going to be a row 
of some kind in this house, and thank the Lord, Trott and I got 
Hodges out of the way in time. AVell, old man, you must brace 
up ; things ain't half as bad as they would be with Hodges here. 
Enter Hodges, r. 1 d. 

[GRUBB/a//s into chair, in affright. 
Hodges. You seem surprised to see me? 
Grubb. Yes — yes — yes, I am. 

Hodges. You thought you iiad fooled me nicely, you miser- 
able man, didn't you? 

Grubb. Now he's at it. I wish Trolt would come. 
Hodges. You thought I would believe that that low woman 
you had at the Cremorne was your wife, didn't you. Oh, you 
shall suflfer for this ! 

Grubb. (Aside.) I am suffering for it. 

Hodges. I will make you repent the day you started off on 
such an expedition. An old man like you going oft' with some 
young woman ! Not a cent of my money shall you ever handle, 
and I'll make this place too hot to hold you! 
Grubb. (Aside.) It's too hot already. 

S liter Trott, c. d., whistling. 

[Trott sees Hodges, and staggers hack. 
Trott. The lawyer! The devil! 

Exit Trott, c. d., hurriedly. 
Hodges. But I'll sift this matter, sir, for the sake of your 
wife. I' 11 find out who the shameless creature Avas who ac- 
companied you to such a place. 

Exit Hodges, c. d. 
Grubb. I only wish I could find out who she was ; I'd make 
her come here and tell the whole story. 

Enter Alice, r. 2 d. 
Alice. (Crying.) Oh, Timothy, Timothy, what shall I do? 
Grubb. (Starting up.) Why what is the matter, Alice Darling? 
Alice. I can't — I can't — I can't tell you. 

[Grubb jmts his arm around Alice, lays her head on 
his shoulder, and unpes her tears aioay icith his hand- 
kerchief. 
Grubb. There, there, my poor dear, don't cry, don't cry. 
They shan't make you feel badly, so they shan't. Tell me all 
about it. 



J 



25 

Enter Mus. Grubb, r 2 D. 

Mrs. Grubb. {Angrily.) She seems to be feeling badly. 

Ghubb. {Innocently.) Yes, someone has been saying some- 
thing harsh to her. 

Mrs. G. Oh, tliey have, have they? Well it was time they 
sa'd something harsh to her. When a woman becomes so 
shameless that she will go to New York, and live for a week 
with such a worthless old man as you are, it is time honest 
people let them know what was thought of it. 

Exit Alice, l. 2 d., hurriedly. 

Grubb. Wliy what do you mean, Mrs. Grubb? 

Mrs. G. You know, very well, what I mean, you old repro- 
bate. You know, very well, that that huzzy went to New York, 
with you, when she said she was going to her aunt's. She was 
perfectly satisfied to go away with you ; but I'll venture to say 
she wasn't at all satisfied while she was away. Oh, why don't 
I tear your eyes out, you miseral)le old wretch you? 

Grubb. I don't know, my dear. 

Mrs. G. Why don't I tlirow you both out of the house? 

Grubb. I don't know, my dear. 

Mrs. G. Oh, I'll have my revenge on you. I'll go to my 
mother's, that's what I"ll do. 

Grubb. If you would only listen to me, my dear. 

Mrs. G. But I won't listen to you. Get out of my sight. 
Enter Trott. c. d. 

Trott. {Aside ichisper.) How are you getting on Grubb? 

Mrs. Grubb. Th re's that miserable little Trott, I'll 

Exit Trott, c. d., hurriedly. 

Grubb. Don't be so rash, my dear. 

Mrs. Grubb. Don't dear me, you old fool. Gel out of this 
house, I say. 

Gritbb. I'll go, my dear, I'll go. 

Exit Grubb, c. i>., hurriedly. 
Enter Hodges, l. 1 d. 

HoDOKS. Oh, my charming Miss Darling, I have been look- 
ing for you. [Takes her hand and falls on one knee.'] You must 

listen to my story. You must know how madly I love 

Enter Amce and Susan, c. d. 

Susan. Oh, missus I Golly how you are goin' it. Yum-yum ! 

Alice. Why, Laura, can you permit such a thing as that? 

Hod(;es. Laura I What does she mean, Alice. 



26 

Mrs. Grubb. She means just this, Mr. Hodges ; that is Alice 
Darling, and I am Mrs. Timothy Tisdale Grubb ; very much to 
my sorrow and disgrace. 

HoDGp;s. Mrs. Grubb? Great heavens! And I have been 
making love to her! I don't understand this. 

Mrs. Grubb. Neither do I, Mr. Hodges. For some uuknovpn 
reason, that Mr. Trott introduced us by different names. I 
thought it necessary for me to keep the secret, and did so. Now 
that I know the whole of Grubb's perfidy, I will no longer con- 
ceal my identity. 

Hod(tES. My dear Mrs. Grubb, believe that I sympathise with 
you, very deeply in this sorrow which has come upon you, and 
if there is anj'way in which I can help you 

Mrs. Gkubb. I thank you, Mr. Hodges ; but you can extend 
me no aid ; I shall return to my own home. Miss Darling, I 
would like to speak with you. 

Exit Alice and Mrs. Grubb, r. 2 d. 

Hodges. 1 will yet solve this. I will know who this miser- 
able man palmed off for liis wife, and I will unmask him in all 
his villainies. 

Susan. You'd better wait till my'Dolphus comes ; he's power- 
ful on unmaskin these villainarles what you were talkin about. 

Hodges. What do you mean, girl? 

Susan. My 'Dolphus what waits at the Cremorne. He's 
round yere somewhere, an' he'll be here soon. 
Enter Adoi.phus, c. d. 

Adolphus. Yer kin jest bet your sweet life, he will. 

Susan. {Aside to Adolphus.) Oh, 'Dolphns, here's a feller 
kicken up an awful row about sumfln' massa did. Fix it up, or 
we won't get all dem tings he promised. 

Adolphus. Well, I'm jest the butternut as kin fix up dose 
matters what requiies delicate mauifulatiou. {To Hodges.) Go 
in, old man. 

Hodges. What do you mean? 

Adolphus. Susan, here, said as how as you wanted to know 
sumfin 'bout dat Grubb. What is it? 

Hodges. Oh, yes ! You are one of the waiters at the Cre- 
morne, I believe; are you not? 

Adolphus. I'se de head waiter at dat 'spectable establish- 
ment. 

Susan. {Amlc) Now help massa out ob de scrape, an' we'll 



get all he promised to gib us. 

Adolphis. Oh, yes; seen Mr. Griibb dure. 

llODGKS. More than once? 

Adoi.phus. Bless yer, yes ; a hunder' times. 

Hodges. Was he with his wife? 

Adolphus. Allers; he uebbcr come wid anybody else. 

Hodges. (Aside.) A horrible suspicion begins to creep 
through my mind. (To Adolphis.) Do you know what name 
he called his wife? 

Adolphus. (^s/df.) Durned if I know. (7o Hodges.) I tink 
it was Hannah — ^yes, I'se sure it was Hannah. 

[Susan rnnkcs motions of dpspair to Adolphus. 

Hodges. (Aside.) Hannah! That was the name of Trott's 
daughter. He has ruined that poor old man's only daughter, 
and, at his age, he can never hope to get another. (To Adol- 
phus.) Did he ever have any children with him? 

Adolphus. Chillorn? Bress yer, he had as many as seben — 
all sizes. 

HODCiEs. (.l.s/(/''.) My worst suspicions are conlirmed. 

Susan. (A.'fidc to Adolphus.) You've tipped de milk ober, 
now. You hab made de scrape worse nor eber. Dat warn't 
massa's wife. 

Adolphus. (To 1Iod(;ks.) Oh, I know it was his wife what 
was wid him. 

Hodges. How do you know it? 

Adolphus. 'Cause he showed me his umrriage certificate, 
lots ob times. Why, he used ter come up ter me, an' say : 
" Dolly, my boy, this is my wife, an' these are my chillern." 
An' he used ter show me de certificate of each baby ter show 
dey was hissen. 

Hodges. Great heavens ! The man is a bigamist. ! 

Susan. Come away, Dolly ; come right away. Now you've 
gone an' made massa out a bigger sumflu' or unnudder, nor what 
he is. 

Adolphus. Well, ef dat don't get us de furniture, I'll nebber 
walk for an uudder cake. 

Exit Susan and Adolphus, c. d. 
■ HODiiEs. This man is worse than I had any idea of. Here he 
has married two women, got seven children by one, and who 
knows how many by others? I'll have him arrested; it is a 
duty I ■>we to society, and I'll do my duty like a man. How 



28 

Utile did I think, wbeu I came here, that I was entering the 
liouse of sucli a prolific old viilian. 

Enter Tkott, c. d. 

Trott. Is Mr. Grubb here, Mr. Hodges? 

Hodges. No, sir, he is not here, and it is well for him that he 
is not. Mr. Trott do you know what Mr. Grubb is? 

Tkott. A man, I hope. 

Hodges. He is a base, unprincipled villain. 

Trott. Great heavens ! 

Hodges. He has ruined j'our daughter ! 

Trott. What? 

Hodges. He has had seven children by her. 

Trott. The Lord be merciful ! And she's only been away 
two years ! Is my daughter alive? 

Hodges. For her sake, I hope not. But never fear ; you shall 
have revenge. I go to seud for proofs. 

Exit Hodges, c. d 

Trott. He's gone for proofs that my poor little Hannah has 
got seven children; and only away tv/o years! 

Exit Trott, c. d. 
Enter Grubb, l. 1 d. 
Enter Alice, r. 1 D., with traoeUiny suit on, and rarryiny a satchel. 

Grubb. Why what does this mean? 

Alice. (Sohbiny.) I'm going, going away, and it's all through 
you. 

Grubb. Don't go. my dear, don't go. Stay here, and per- 
haps we shall get out of this scrape in time. 

Alice. Laura has sent me away ; I've got to go. 

Grubb. Laura has sent you away? 

Alice. Yes, she said I shouldn't stay another minute, and I'm 
— I'm going to New York. 

Grubb. You are, eh? Well, 111 go too. It's no use, I can't 
clear up this matter. The more I trj', the worse it grows, till I 
shall begin to believe it myself, if I stay here much longer. 
Wait a minute. 

[Grubb goes to winy at R., and throws in on to the 

staye, a valise, old pants, coats, shirts, etc. Then 

enters ayain, and commences to pack them in valise. 

We'll do the thing thorough ; no backing out. We can't stay 

here, and I don't know of ;iny place where we can stay. With 

the divine bard I can sing : 



29 

I huveu't got a penuy. 
As for credit, I liaven't any. 
I'm going to run awaj^, the truth to speak, 
And And my way to Texas or Pike's Peak. 
Leave my country, for my country' good, 
As patriot martyrs for their country should. 
Entar Hodgks, C. d. 
Hodges. {Aside.) Now he's going to elope with another 
woman. I must see Mrs. Grubb, and put a stop to this new 
iniquity. 

[Hodges creeps cautiously across stage, and 

Exit Hodges, r. 1 d. 
Grubb. Now, my dear, have you got everything you need? 
Alice. I can get along with what I have got, till I can get my 
trunk. 

Grubb. (FicJdny np umbreJla.) Then come along. In a short 
time we shall be out of this l)e(Jlam, which has been raised just 
because a man helped a girl who was hungry, and wanted to see 
her uucle. 

[Grubb and Alice start across stage, ivhen 
Enter Mrs. Grubb and Hexry, r. 1 d. Both in traveUiny cos- 
tume and carrying valises. 
lAlI the parties start in surprise at seeing the others. 
Alice. {Starting toward Henry.) Oh, Henry! Henry! you 
will come with me? 

Henry. Back girl, back ! Look to your aged lover for pro- 
tection ; but expect none from me. 

Alice. iDoivn stage, holding up valise.) I am going to leave 
this house ! 

Mrs. Grubb. {Doicn stage, holding up valise.) I am going to 
leave this house ! 

Henry. {Down stage, holding tip valise.) I am going to leave 
this house 1 

Grubb. {Down stage, holding up raise.) I am going to leave 
this house ! 

Mrs. Grubb. It is quite time you did, and you want to take 
that girl with you, for whom you bought the Spitz puppy. 

Alice. You bad better wait for the lawyer who was on his 
knees to you a few moments ago. 
Gkubb. {Starting toward Mrs. Grubb.) What's that? 
Henry. {Starting toward Grubb.) Be careful, sir, this lady 



.10 

18 under my protection. 

Gkubb. (Starting hncl\ and httldiny 7ip umhrdla.) Back, sir, 
back ! Dare to advance but one step nearer, and this weapon 
shall pierce your heart ! 

Enter Hodges, c. d. 

Hodges. {To Grubb.) Hold, rash man! Husband of two 
wives, and father of seven children, what wonld'st thou do? 

GiiUBB. Husband of two wives, and father of seven children? 

That settles it ! lSu\,ons and falls. 

Exit Mks. Grubb, and Hexry, r. 2d., hurriedly. 

Exit Alice and Hodges, r. 1 d., hnrriedly. 

Enter Trott. c. d. 

[TnoT'r .steps ranti<ivshj. and looks a-ell about him 

before hi' fnlhj enters; the)i he goes up to Grubb. 

Trott. Mr. Grubb ! Mr. Grubl)! Are you dead? 

Grubb. No, Trott, hut I liad to do something' desperate, so I 
tried this dodge. IJoll the lounge out in the middle of the 
room, and put me on ir. Then cover me over with somethin.'j, 
a^ thougii I was a decent corpse. 

Trott. All rlglit ! and then I'll get out of the way. 

Grubb. Trott, you mustn't leave me. One hour more of this 
thing, and I shall be surely dead. 

Trott. Well, how can I stay? They all drive at me the mo- 
ment they get a chaiice. 

Grubb. Hide behind the window curtains, then, and see what 
happens. T say, Trott, do you suppose if we went to my wife, 
and told her the true story, that she would believe it? 

Trott. My dear Mr. Grubb, there is a ''rausparency about 
t1i:it story, which would cause almost any thinking female to 
exclaim, in tlie words of Solomon : " Too thin, too thin!" 

Grubb. Then wheel the lounge out. 

[Trott mores the lounge c; Grubb lays on it, and 
Trott eortn-^i him over u'ith a sheet. 

Trott. There you are, real kind of nice and comfortable. 
You wouldn't make a bad looking corpse, Grubb. 

Grubb. I don't care how good looking a one I should make. 
Give the alarm, and then hide. 

Trott. (troing to r. 2 d., and calling.) Mr. Grubb has got a 
spasm. Come quick! Come quick ! 

Grubb. (Lifting up his head.) Mizzle now, Trott, get out of 
siirht. 



31 

[Trott hides behind cnrtains. 
J^nter Hodges, k. 2 d. 
Hoi>GKS. Who said that Grubb had a spasm? Show me the 
mau who said it. 

[TiJOTT Junks oat from curtain, and dodges back. 
[Hodges goes up to Grubb and feels of his pnlse. 
Enter Mrs. Grubb, Alice, Henry, Susan and Adolphus, r. 2 
D., each one irith handkerchief at eyes. 

IBegin to lower gas. very gradually. 
Hodges. Poor GiHibb ! His sius have been many ; but he will 
not long be answerable to an}' one here on earth. 

\^All walk around lounge, solemnly, then stand at r. 
Mrs. Grubb. {Advancing and, looking at Grubb.) Oh, Timo- 
thy, how could y(ju do it? 

Exit Mrs. Grubb, r. 2 d. 
Alice. {Advancing and looking at Grubb.) Oh, Timothy, how 
could you do it? 

Exit Alice, r. 2 d. 
Henry. Poor Cirubb I I'll have a (luarf or two of blood taken 
away from yon before I give up all hope. 

Hodges. {Advancing and Joiiking at Grubb.) Oh, Timothy, 
how could you do it? 

Exit Hodges, r. 2 d. 
Susan. I'll pour boiling water on his feet before I give him up. 
Henry. {Advancing and looking at Grubb.) Oh, Timothy, how 
could you do it? 

Exit Henry, r. 2 d. 
Adolphus. {Advancing and loidcing at Grubb.) Oh, Timothy, 
how could you do it? 

Exit Adolphus, r. 2 d. 
Susan. {Advancing and looking at Grubb.) Oh, Timothy, how 
could you do it? 

Exit Susan, r. 2 d. 
[Grubb looks out cautiously from sheet; then jttmps vp. 
Grubb. Trott, Trott, come out ! [Trott comes from behind 
curtain.] Tell, me Trott, is there anything in my personal ap- 
pearance which would brand me as a man who was capable of 
losing a couple of quarts of blood, and then have his feet put 
in boiling water? 

Trott. No, I must say that you do not resemble such a man. 
But, Mr. Grubb, how long are you going to keep this thing up? 



32 

GuiBB. I don't know. At this rate, I shall have to keep it up 
for the rest of m}' natural life. Hark! someone is coming. 

[GurBB covers himseJf again. 
[Gas fully down now, save one UyJit ichich nuist be 
thrown on outside of ivindotc in which Tkott is 
hiding. 

[Trott hides hehind cnrtain again. 
Enter Susax, u 2d. 
Susan. I couldn't help coniiu" back again. He will make sich 
a beautiful corpse. What makes the room so dark? Oh, the 
curtains are down. 

l^Goes to Tijott's u-indoic and raises curtain. Tkott 
is seen standing as if he were hanging. 

[Sf.SAN .screams nnd then Exits R. 2 d., crying : 
Mr. Trott has huny himself! Mr. Trott has hung himself! Oh, 
murder! murder! 

[Gkubb j?a?i/js tip. 
GiiuBB. Now j^ou've made a mess of it ! What shall we do? 

[TitoTT runs to lounge ; Gjiubb runs to icindow. 
Trott. There coming ! There coming! 

[Trott covers himself up on lounge; Grubb gets 
hehind cnrtin. and Exits through window. 
Ent' r SrsAN, Mits. Grubb, Aoce, Hodges. Hexry. and Adol- 

PHUS, R. 2 D. 

\_Lights up. 
Susax. Dare he am, behind dat curtain! I saw him! I saw 
him ! 

Hodges. Nonsense, I don't think there is anything there. 

[Hodges goes toward curtain; women scream; 

Hodges touches curtain, and then draws back 

frightened. 

Hodges. (7'o Henry.) Of course there is nothing there; but 

perhaps as you are about to be related to the family, j^ou had 

better look. 

[Hexry hesitatingly raises curtain. 
Hexry. Why, there's nothing there. 
Hodges. I knew Susan was more frightened than hurt. 
Susan. But he was dai-e, fur I seen him, an' he looked awful. 
Hodges. Nonsense, girl, you were dreaming. I'd stake my 
life that Trott was not, and had not been in the room for the 
List hour. 



33 

Hknry. Never mind about Trott; of course Susau didn't see 
him. The important question now, is whether we can do any- 
thing for Grubb. [Gops to lounge and jyiiJIs down sheet.] Great 
heavens I 

[ The rromen scream ; IIoDtJKS puUs Trott to his feet. 

HoDGKS. You villain! Where is your partner in crime, 
Grubb? 

Trott. I don't know, sir; indeed I don't. 

Henry. Don't lie to us, sir; but tell us where Grubb is. 

Trott. (Oh his knees.) I swear to you that I don't know any- 
thing about him. Tlie last I saw of him was when he went be- 
hind those curtains. I think the devil has got him. 
Enter Grt'BB, c d. 

Grubb. Tlie devil has had me for tiie last few hours ; but he 
will have me no longer. I have braced up ; am going to tell my 
story just as it happened, and those that don't believe me can 
go to the — needn't. I went to New York; met a woman in dis- 
tress — hungry; took iier in and fed her. I would have found 
her uncle for her if I had had time. That was the only woman 
I ever knew anything about in New York. You can believe it 
or not. 

Enter Maud, c. d. 

Maitj). I was sent Cor from this house. Who was it who was 
so anxious to see me? 

Grubb. By Jove I it's my luingry girl who was in search of 
an uncle. 

Mai:d. Hello! My pious friend who treated me to supper! 

Gri'bb. You've come just in the nick of time. 

Maitd. I'm glad of that ; it's always so pleasant. But do you 
know that I've been looking for you? 

Gri'bb. Looking for me? What for? 

IFirst Bell, 

Mai'd. You remember the night we took supper together? 

Grubb. Remember it! I haven't had a chance to forget it. 

Mai^d. Well you went away in such a hurry that you forgot 
to settle the bill. I had to pay it, and liere it is. 

[ Takes hill from pocket. 
Ten dollars and twent3'-flve cents. 

Grubb. Holy Moses? That bill again ! Here quick! 
[Gives her money, and put hill in pocket. 

Mat'I). (Lookinf/ around.) Why uncle ! I've found you at last ! 



34 

How gl;;d I am ! 

[JRnshps up to Hodges, j»(te- hci' arms annind his 
)ircJi. and lasses Mm. 
How did yon happen to come here? 

Hodges. ("r'/MAUD.) We'll talk about that presently. You 
were \ cry imprudent to speak to me here. (7'o others.) Now, I 
think, we may believe Mr. Grubh, and be couAiucedof his inno- 
cence. If necessarj', I could make more detailed explanations; 
but I hope you will spare the blushes of tliis fair creature, who 
— I mean, ra}' niece. 

Maud. But what I want to know is, who sent for me? 

Adolpiius. I had de felicity ob ditiu' dat message. 

Maud. You here, Dolly, old boy? Put it there my hearty! 
[Maud shakes hands, roiKjhly, with Adolphus. 

GiiuBB.. {To audience.) And now kind friends, at last I am 
out of that devil of a scrape. 

Maud. (To audience.) And he knows now that he has paid 
for tlie supper. 

CUB TAIN. 




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